Why I’m Exhausted + My 2022 ReSOULutions

And just like that, it’s 2022.

Let me get this out of the way and start with a bit of whomp-whomp-whooomp reality. I’m feeling the least enthusiastic as I ever have during this time. Usually I’m all excited, eager, and making a list of resolutions to aid in becoming the bEsT VeRsIoN oF Me YeT! But this year? Nope. I’m really not feeling it.

Any of it. I’m not feeling a list of resolutions aimed to improve many areas of life and “get me on track” to where I think I should be going. I’m not feeling mandatories of when and how to work out. Or meticulous lists of what to eat in order to properly detox. I’m not feeling more things to-do. I’m not feeling any of those standard, big, new-years things that we all tend to do during this time of year. Heck, I wasn’t even feeling any of the shows we watched while bringing in the new year. (Besides Miley. I was feeling her.)

Why I’m Exhausted + My 2022 ReSOULutions

How am I feeling? (How much time do you have? Wink.)

Well. I’m feeling exhausted.

To provide the proper context, here’s some scratching-the-surface things that’s driving it.

*Before diving in, I want to clarify that this is a trail-of-thought post in which I’m sharing my personal thoughts and feelings toward many tough topics. I am not inviting or welcoming arguments or critiques, especially about COVID public health guidance, masks, vaccination, or our family’s approaches. I respect that others will have different perspectives, and that’s okay, but I also appreciate if you respect mine/ours. Sharing this is not easy. I’m doing it in hopes that it can help some of you and may be relatable. Take from this what you find beneficial, and simply leave behind elements that you don’t agree with. Thank you!

I’m exhausted with COVID.

We’ve dodged it for nearly 2 years now, and while I think there’s certainly been a lot of luck involved, it’s also because we’ve had nearly 2 years of sacrifices and trying our best to follow the guidance set forth by public health experts. The mental load of navigating it all as a parent has been heavy.

Isolation. Limited playdates. Saying “No” to things from trips with our family, to varied gatherings or outings with friends. Wearing our masks any time we’ve gone indoors, not matter the community case counts. Only eating at restaurants a handful of times. Juggling every sort of school environment, from homeschooling to hybrid learning. The list goes on.

It all started when Beau was born.

Literally, the day he was born was the first day of lockdown. He’s now almost 2.

And yet, here we are in another new year, and in so many ways it feels like we’re right back where we were. Our little crew rang in the new year on our own, tucked away from the world, afraid to go to the grocery store.

I know that things are better and that they have changed – specifically with Omicron causing less hospitalizations, which is a huge win – but I really can’t help but feel totally defeated by it all. Especially when so many people I know, literally 30+ people, have been sick with COVID over the past few weeks. And all of them, like us, tried their best to do things “right.”

I was talking to one person who said something that hit home. “Getting COVID was terrible and confusing, but being vaccinated, luckily for me it was mild. However the mental load of getting COVID has been the worst part. Feeling guilty and ashamed. Even judged by others. Afraid of who I passed it to unintentionally. It’s been a lot to process and I’m grieving in a lot of ways.”

Guilt. Shame. Fear. Anxiety.

Is this our new baseline? A cloud of negative emotions that follows us daily? Then if we do unfortunately get COVID, that cloud pours rain on us? Even when we’ve tried our best – did all we could – to avoid it? Even when we’ve tried our hardest to navigate rocky terrain and find the metaphorical rainbows in the sky?

I can feel myself mentally starting to succumb to the fact that we’ll all eventually get it. Which, yes, I feel anxious about. (Gah. There it is again.)

It doesn’t help that things constantly feel muddy. You know what I mean, right?

Don’t wear masks. Now, wear them. Ah but you’ve got to wear the right one. Get vaccinated. Now get boosted. Testing is the way out of this! It’s just, you can’t get an appointment. YAY, there’s rapid tests! Good luck finding them, though. And by the way, they’re not as accurate. At least not enough for the CDC to at first incorporate them into their new, new, new guidance for leaving isolation if you have COVID but are asymptomatic. Oh, you’ve got to work while juggling homeschool or quarantines? Ah, yes that’s tough, gooooood luck! You’ve got this!

I’m having whiplash. And it needs to be said that I’m in the extremely privileged position of being able to pause work in order to stay home with my kids, or having the resources to lean on when we need help. I can’t imagine how people like single, working parents are feeling. Or front line workers, who are exhausted beyond what is even measurable to myself. Or those without the resources to be Matrix-style flexible in this impossible environment. If I’m feeling this way…how are they?

I know things are changing by the minute the more that we learn, and I absolutely believe in science + following the guidance of health experts.

I’m beyond grateful for them and for all the medical professionals fighting this battle day in and day out. But circling back to the original point, I’m just truly exhausted by it all, which I feel selfish even saying given what others are going through. I’m personally unclear at where the ever-changing lines should be drawn with the current state of things, and how to help beyond continuing to try and “follow the rules” to the best of our ability. I just feel helpless and a bit lost with it all.

I’m exhausted with social media.

I have tried to be mindful of my interactions with social media for this entire year. I’ve tried to pay close attention to how I feel before, during, and after being on it. To how those feelings then affect my mental state, both toward myself and my interactions with others.

What I’ve found is a very direct correlation with being on social media and a lack of creativity, motivation, and mental clarity. I scroll, and I deflate. Time is – for lack of better words – wasted.

Which is a big thing to admit, especially for someone who’s built their career on social media. I’ve won industry awards with campaigns I’ve managed. I’ve built a small but mighty following. I share, a lot, and in general I do enjoy it.

But there’s this dark side of social media that’s becoming more clear to me. It’s the side that brings a gut-sinking feeling when a stranger’s DM criticizes my every move or viewpoint shared. (*Speaks up about an issue* = “HOW DARE YOU?!” *Stays silent about an issue* = “HOW DARE YOU?!”) It’s the side that recognizes that, while most people are good, there are bad people out there with malicious intent. It’s the side that sees it’s far too easy to hide behind a screen, post “information” that’s anything but, and that the online world doesn’t view others as human but seemingly disposable screen names with no strings attached.

Maybe it’s the state of the current world, and it’ll pass. But honestly, I don’t think so. I think back to all my years on social and see that what I often felt was “valuable sharing” was actually just taking me out of the moment I was in.

I think we’re addicted to it.

The gratification. The accessibility. The apps are made to keep us coming back and, as it turns out, we’re not above a robotic algorithm. There are glaring problems with it, and I honestly think it’s behind a lot more of society’s issues than we currently comprehend.

I also think, more and more, people are opening their eyes and seeing the downfalls. And I think that as time goes on there will be a continued awakening and unlearning on how to better set boundaries with social media. I know I’m starting to, and the more I’m off of it, the better I feel.

With all that said, I do think there’s a peaceful coexistence that can happen with social. It does provide meaningful connection. (Truly, I feel connected with many of you and that I’ve developed true friendships because of social media.) It is a wonderful creative outlet. It has provided me with a way to monetize and build my business, all of which I’m grateful for. I just haven’t found my personal balance with it yet. (If you have, do share what the secret is!) So yup, my current state with it is exhausted, until I figure that balance out.

I’m exhausted with the news.

I want to caveat this by saying I firmly believe in being informed, staying up to date on current events, and that the freedom of the press is a vital part of our society.

But, man, can we get a good headline for once? At a minimum, can we get an accurate one?

It’s amazing to me how the same piece of data can be reported on in totally different ways, depending on the outlet you read. It’s also amazing that if you even take a few moments to dig into what the actual data or facts are, how obvious it is that headlines double as click bait more often than not. (I sadly can say this for both the right and left, friends. Not taking sides here.)

It’s important to ask ourselves a critical question: Are our reading habits leading us toward facts or fiction? Are we doing our part to take personal responsibility for what we ingest and share, or are we blindly accepting words on a screen without questioning motives or accuracy? Are we clear on how to decipher between what is a fact vs. opinion? When something is a “fact,” how are we checking it, and who are we trusting?

Add all that to the social media topic above, and I’ll be honest, my distrust in the online space is at an all-time high.

I’m exhausted with anxiety.

In December, I faced some unexpected health issues. Without going into detail (sorry, guys, I’m simply not open to sharing it publicly), I will tell you one important takeaway. While there was no doubt a physical component that was a factor, the key issues were symptoms as a result of anxiety.

It was the first time that I saw, first hand, just how much anxiety can drive tangible, physical effects on the body. Talk about eye-opening.

The entire experience made me take a hard look at how I’ve been internalizing anxiety, not just in past months, but in the past few years in general. And not just with COVID. With everyday things like the stresses of parenthood, navigating personal relationships, setting boundaries, “perfectionism”, or even just expectations with myself.

I’ve realized that I harbor more anxiety than I ever recognized. It’s largely been a misunderstood element in my life. Something I didn’t always realize was there. Something I called different names, but really it’s all been the same thing.

I’m exhausted by anxiety. And I think a big part of moving forward is fully sitting in this, recognizing it, and calling it what it is.

I’m exhausted with productivity.

I have tried. I honestly have tried so hard to be “productive.” After largely pausing career endeavors over the past few years to focus on my family during this time, I launched into the latter part of this year with big ambitions since I had some newfound time to work once all 3 kids started school in the fall.

And, I did fine! I completed a handful of consulting projects! And I did some freelance writing! I secured some exciting blog partnerships! I continued to work on my book outline! Stella was getting her groove back. Yay!

But despite how hard I’d try to get ahead, I always still felt behind. Why? Because my expectations of productivity were never met. There was always more I should be doing, more I wanted to do. So much pressure to do, do, do. And yet, I still was juggling drop off, pick up, activity facilitation, cooking, house cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, and all the every day things that having a family entails. “I’m fine!” I’d think. “I’m the last person who should feel overwhelmed in this situation. I can do it all!”

But, no. I’ve realized that what I need is to fricking give myself a break and drop the high expectations. Or perhaps I need to redefine it for myself? What is “productivity” anyways? At the end of the day, to me, it’s my family going to bed with a smile on their faces, feeling happy, taken care of, and secure. So I didn’t complete another deadline or write a post that week. Really, who cares?

I’m doing what I can.

It’s good enough. I won’t stop trying, because I truly get joy from working, but it’s time to adjust what I perceive as a “productive” day. My family says that I’m good enough…that I’m doing enough. Now I just need to listen to them and to myself.

And now, we move forward.

I just unloaded a lot on you. I’m sorry! Usually I’m a “Mrs. Brightside” kind of gal, but right now I’m finding it more valuable to sit in raw honesty. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m still identifying and processing many emotions with all these complex situations.

I paused here to re-read the above. And do you know what I see? I see someone who’s been a bit broken by the circumstances of the past few years, but who’s trying to heal. I see someone who’s trying to find a better middle ground between some of the extremes she’s adhered to; the ones that have caused unhealthy levels of anxiety. I see someone who remembers the old “her” – the one who was typically happy-go-lucky, said “Yes” to every adventure, and laughed with ease – and misses her. I see someone who is searching for how, exactly, she’s changed. And for who and what she is despite it all.

By sharing all this, I hope you know it’s me hugging you, because if you can identify with even a tiny portion of these reflections, please know you’ve found a kindred spirit and I see you. I know that it’s all been a lot, no matter who you are or what hand you’ve been dealt these past few years.

Despite it all, I still see these exhaustions as opportunities. Which is what brings me to the next, and perhaps most important, part of this post. I want to share my approach for the coming year.

I’m not making resolutions. I’m making reSOULutions.

Ah, yes, I always love a play on words! Though, I can’t take credit for it. I read a great opinion piece on New York Times that shared advice for what we can do, right now, to help our soul. I love this approach for a new year, and in particular this one. Because don’t we all have some soul-healing to do right now? I vote we honor and prioritize it.

A list of things to focus on that are good for the soul. Now that’s an idea! I spent some time thinking about what it is my soul needs right now — the things and notions that I should be prioritizing that will help to move forward in this new year with gratitude at the core. A metaphorical deep inhale and exhale — taking in the good, and releasing the negative.

So, here’s a list of my reSOULutions. Some are in direct response to my exhaustions above, others are things that I simply find healing and are excited to do. Some are quite tactical and others are more high level, but all are things that I think will guide me toward a bright year ahead. I hope these can inspire you in some way!

My ReSOULutions for 2022

Turn Off The Screen More

In 2021, I made what turned out to be a super simple, yet impactful, change. I started to keep my phone in my pocket when I was with my kids. I definitely saw an increase in engagement and decrease in frustration, on both my and their part, when I did this. In 2022, I’m going to keep doing this and also try to establish even more boundaries with my phone. (And, thus, social media.)

A few ideas I’m going to try. (I stress “try”, because I’m decidedly not making mandatories of myself right now.) Having a “curfew” where I turn off my phone at a certain time at night. Deleting apps like Instagram for a while to see how I feel. Establishing better rules for social media apps, such as only allowing myself to check them during a few-hour window during the day. We’ll see how it goes!

Explore Near + Far

A big takeaway for our family in 2020 and 2021 was to get outside and enjoy the world around us. Often, that was the only thing we had to do, with lockdowns in play or community case counts being high. The end result was spending hours on walks, taking the time to grow and tend a garden, bundling up and appreciating the snow despite it being cold, and really getting to know places like our backyard and the marvels in it. (Who knew?!) It helped our kids (and ourselves!) tap into their imaginations more, not to mention how great it was for our bodies. I want to continue this mentality in the year ahead.

I also want to prioritize traveling this year, too. (Safely, of course!) Doug and I have always been big travelers — our favorite memories are ones where we’re experiencing new places and cultures — and a big hope for this year is to travel somewhere far and new again. I love a great road trip, and I actually think we’ve done a good job safely embracing travel when and how we could in the past few years, but I’m craving the beautiful experience of a culture not mine.

Practice More Humility

As I get older, some things have become abundantly clear. What I “knew” perhaps, in fact, wasn’t so certain. There are three sides to every story. (Two sides, and the truth, which is typically found somewhere in the middle.) Just because I hold a strong point of view doesn’t mean someone else does. And just because it’s my point of view doesn’t mean it’s right. (Usually I am right, though. Kidding!)

Humility. (A great read, by the way!) Being humble. Recognizing my blind spots. Knowing we all still have a lot to learn. Listening to another person’s side. (Really listening.) Agreeing to disagree. The knowledge that my “accomplishments” don’t define me.

I want to fully see and hear others. I want them to extend the same courtesy to me. And I want to create a safe space both literally and metaphorically — one of acceptance and positivity and compassion and open conversation. I want to have gratitude at the center of all that I do.

I think we could all use a heck of a lot more of this in 2022.

Embrace Less

Less stuff, less plans. Less time on people who don’t give it back, less worry. And less expectations. Less really is more.

Auto-Focus “On”

One thing that’s been hard to navigate as a parent is making decisions for the family. From the big to the little, it seems like everyone has a different opinion on what’s the “correct” thing to do. Should your kid go to day care, or should they be home? Public or private school? How many activities are too many? How much screen time in a day? What’s the best way to discipline? Does the toilet paper go above or behind the roll? (THE ULTIMATE DEBATE! Ha!)

COVID, of course, adds a layer of complexity to pretty much everything. Nothing is simple anymore.It’s added this messy layer to interactions that can be frustrating, confusing, and uncomfortable.

And generally speaking (COVID in play or not) I’ve noticed that people tend to personalize a boundary when in reality it has absolutely nothing to do with them.

That anxiety I spoke of earlier? A lot of it is a result of internalizing the opinions of others. As a reSOULution, I need to better put my auto-focus on. Auto-focus = Automatically focusing on the main subject at hand. For me, that’s my family.

Others don’t have to agree with or like our approaches. At the end of the day, we’re not asking for their opinion, so guess what? They shouldn’t give it. And they certainly shouldn’t personalize our choices. If they choose to do that, that’s on them. I’ve got enough on my plate.

This year, from the big to the small, we’re doing what’s right for our family. That’s it. Case closed. You do you, we’ll do us. Conversation over. (Said while throwing up a peace sign!)

Read More (But Also Read Less)

Leaning into the “less screen time” goal, I want to make more time for reading. Books, magazines, articles, you name it. I love reading, and as someone who is aspiring to write more, it’s important that I do so as much as possible. With how much is going on in life, it’s easy to say there’s not enough time for reading, but the truth is there just needs to be time made. Less TV, less phone scrolling. More good ‘ol reading.

Similarly though, I need to stop going down internet rabbit holes that fuel needless anxiety. The truth on its own can be filled with enough hardships; I don’t want any of the other crap that tends to be paired with it. In efforts to be informed but also provide a level of sanity amongst the craziness that the media entails, I recognize that I’ve got to be more selective. I’m choosing to focus on and trust a handful of media outlets that I feel have continually reported with ethical integrity and have a focus on facts: New York Times + Wall Street Journal + Reuters, among a few others. Others, especially those that I find headlining for click-bait or reporting opinions as facts, get the boot. Oh, and that bizarre article that my old-acquaintance-who’s-still-a-Facebook-friend just shared? Not going there, either.

Recognize That My Best Is Good Enough

I’ve come to the realization that there’s got to be a point where my best is good enough, and for my own mental sanity, where I accept that some things are out of my control. I do think being diligent and mindful is important, but there’s got to be a point where I release the pressure of taking sole responsibility on my shoulders. This is true with pretty much every facet in life; we can all only do our best. If at the end of the day, I can look in the mirror and say that I did my best…well, then, that’s got to be good enough.

Do More For Others

In the month of December, I did a handful of Food Rescue runs, and I can’t tell you how good it felt to truly make a tangible difference for others. And the thing was, it was so easy! I was running errands, volunteered to pick up food donations from stores, then drove them to shelters or community organizers who then were able to feed hundreds. Imagine how much better the world would be if we all did even one little thing regularly for someone else? I really want to make this a focus in the next year; with how hard all this has been on me, I know it’s been significantly harder on others, and I think it’s important for the soul (both mine and theirs) to help where and how I can. Even if it feels small…it’s not!

But even beyond doing something proactive for others I may not know, I think that simply keeping in mind kindness in our interactions (especially with loved ones) is so important and has the power to make a huge difference. An encouraging text, checking in with a friend. An unexpected favor. A drive-by-hello, just because. It all matters, and it all adds up. I want to lead in this way, every day.

Continue To Focus On Spirituality

Has anyone else been craving a deeper connection with the spiritual world lately? In times like these, I have found that such a connection brings peace, guidance, and a sense of purpose. I’d like to continue to harvest this in the year ahead. To make time to calm the mind, meditate, practice yoga, and yes, to pray more. To listen to the waves and wind and look for signs where it feels right. (Yes, I’m aware that I totally sound like a hippie here! I’m cool with it.)

How are you feeling right now? Are you making resolutions for the year ahead? What are some reSOULutions you’d like to do?

Thank you for reading this massive post! It was therapeutic to write, and I hope it provides some inspiration for you in some way. xx