“Are you going to go for #4?!”
…One of the most common questions I get asked lately. It’s funny because when I reflect on incoming questions regarding children, the main constant I’ve noticed since getting married is that they’re, well, constantly coming. When we got married it was, “When are you going to start having kids?” With Grace it was, “When is she going to get a sibling?” With Joey, “Two girls! Are you going to try and have a boy?” Now it’s all about the 4th. Let’s collectively go ahead and file these under, “What not to ask any woman in casual conversation.”
Trust me, I get it!
I’ve asked it too, probably in situations where I shouldn’t have, and probably far too often. Recently, even! And as I reflect on this, I realize I’ve unknowingly probably made some women upset, which in hindsight makes me sad. Lesson learned.
The question has good intentions, I know. And of course people are curious! It doesn’t seem like a big deal, and in many cases it’s not. But in a way it’s actually quite invasive, if you think about it.
Why We Need To Stop Asking Women About Their Uterus
Personally, when it’s asked lately, I’ve felt a bit uncomfortable. To the point where I’m suggesting that it’s something we consider as in the ranks of what NOT to ask a woman in casual conversation.
For me, I think my feelings of discomfort lately stem from equal parts because we don’t know, and because people keep offering up their opinions on the matter. “We’re thinking we’re done with 3, but honestly we’re not 100% sure. Just taking it one day at a time!” I’m usually offered up the person’s point of view in their response, which makes me feel a bit anxious, or frustrated. Some people say, “Omg 4 is CRAZY – you should totally be done with 3,” while others are like, “You’re going to have a 4th for sure, I just know it.”
Instead of letting life happen and feeling okay with not knowing right now, I’m sometimes left feeling anxious. Like I’m supposed to KNOW either way. Sometimes I even second guess our current thoughts based on their response.
I think we also do all need to consider that for some women, pregnancy has been – or is currently – a tough journey. Some may have suffered from miscarriages. Some may not be able to get pregnant at all. And while I’m beyond fortunate that this hasn’t been the case with us, I am also cognizant that pregnancy is a very tough topic for a lot of people. Such questions can truly make people upset. (Or, on the opposite front, what if someone doesn’t want kids? The questions immediately puts them in the position of defending why, when they don’t owe that explanation to anyone.)
I do have to say that I think context is everything.
Bringing up the subject to a good friend during a heart-to-heart is so different than asking an acquaintance during a casual run in. It’s also totally different if the person brings it up and is clearly interested in talking about the topic. In general, I think we all just need to be a bit more sensitive to women, our bodies, and feelings toward something as big as pregnancy and family planning. It’s all just so…BIG.
And with that, I found a really great list recently that’s so relevant! Here are 20 Beautiful Questions To Ask A Woman That Has Nothing To Do With Her Uterus. The world is big, and there’s so much to discuss in it. Let’s all take note for the future. (Including myself!)
What are your thoughts on this? Do you think these questions are no biggie, or have you felt uncomfortable with them being asked? Let’s chat!
PS – Second Trimester Pregnant Recap + 8 Hacks For Stylish Maternity Outfits
8 comments
AMEN AMEN AMEN to all of this!! Since getting pregnant I’ve gotten so many random and personal questions like how we want to deliver, will I breastfeed, will I stay at home… a little bit of everything that is NO ONE’s business!
Can totally relate to that! Specifically on the topic of delivery, I’ve had a LOT of opinions thrown my way lately. (I’ve been considering doing giving birth without an epidural!) At some point the opinions become too much, I’ve had to block a lot out for sure.
Hi Emily! Long time follower here. 🙂
Your post came at the right today as I’ve been struggling with questions/comments from co-workers on my pregnancy (2nd pregnancy and I’m 26 weeks with a baby boy! my daughter is 18 months). I started at this company last spring and before I even got pregnant, I actually feared that some people here may have less tact around a pregnant woman in the office. I’ve received a couple comments around my size (“Wow! You got big over the holidays!” – direct quote…), another asking how I’m carrying (instead of waiting for my response, proceeding to describe to ME how I’M carrying), people saying “well I guess you’ll have the summer off!” (“off” is offensive!) and another person incessantly asking if I need water, did I drink enough water today, etc. (literally every single time I see this person so sometimes that’s 5x a day).
I think the most respectful thing to do in the workplace (and in public) is to keep silent the majority of the time. Don’t comment, don’t question, and maybe every once in awhile, ask a pregnant woman, simply, “How are you feeling?” and let her drive the conversation… and respect if she does not want to engage. I agree with you that anything else feels very invasive!
I’m already dreading people asking how long my maternity leave will be as I am planning to request additional time to recover from a likely c section and delay having to pump at work for as long as possible. Any thoughts on how to respond to that question when it starts coming in, without sharing too many personal details?!
Thank you for this post!
I’m so happy this was helpful for you! (And I’m honored you’re a long time follower – thank you!) I definitely had ALL of these scenarios at work before having both Grace and Joey. (Your kiddos will be a similar age distance to Grace and Joey, they’re 22 months. Do you also get “Oh wow, pregnant so soon AGAIN?!” from people? Ug!)
I also had a lot of people – specifically men at work – comment on maternity leave. One even called it a “vacation.” Crazy! My best recommendation – and what I tried to do – was to keep in mind that most people do have good intentions, I just don’t think they know how they sound or can make someone feel. I always tried/try to take the high road and either politely divert the conversation or provide an answer that educated while not making them feel bad in return. (Like for the maternity leave comment I’d say, “Well if you count no sleep, caring for a newborn 24/7, and healing from delivery a “vacation” then I think we may need to work on your definition of relaxing! I’ll tell you where I’d love to go on my next vacation…” (Does that make sense?)
Also keep in mind you owe NO ONE an explanation or validation for your decisions for your family! That’s taken me so so long to learn, and it’s something I’m still practicing. So if you decide to take a longer maternity leave and get comments, that’s honestly their problem and not yours. Keep your head held high and know you’re doing a GREAT job no matter what they ask or say. 🙂
Best of luck and I hope this was helpful! Thanks again for your comment and reading, it means so much. xx
Yes to this! I remember getting really upset at a Christmas party when a couple with kids asked us if we had kids of our own. When we said no, they took it as if we didn’t want kids and launched into a speech about how great kids are and why we should have them. They had no clue we were struggling with fertility. It ruined my night.
I’ll also add that questions about having kids aren’t somehow ok to ask if a couple has been married for years. I feel like more and more people asked the longer I have been married.
I think that’s such a great note and add, Kit! I can totally see where that’d happen — people ask because they’re wondering the big question of “When”, not understanding that “IF” is a big question for the couple. Totally see how that’d be upsetting and I’m so sorry you’ve had that happen.
I have admired how open and honest you are about your journey — I know that through your openness, you’ve helped to many people. Also am SO HAPPY for you and your recent pregnancy news! Congrats again! xx
Yes!! My husband and I got married in June of last year and ever since the questions have been coming in hot and heavy. This past weekend a very recent acquaintance asked if we were planning to have kids soon and when I answered that we didn’t have any plans just yet, she just stared, waiting for me to give more of a justification. So awkward and none of your business! It was such a good reminder for me that it is rarely an appropriate question. Love your take on all of this!
Gah – The worst is the blank stare in response, asking for more info. So awkward, and I agree, none of their business! Thanks for the comment and swinging by! xx