“How was it returning to work after maternity leave?” Whether it be from co-workers or friends, this is the number one question that I get asked nowadays. My answer? It’s not what you’d think.
…Or perhaps it is what you’d think. It’s not what I thought, at least. As a career-minded individual, before Grace was born, I thought that I’d welcome the return of work with open arms. I thought I’d come back ready to kick ass and take names. I’d waltz down familiar halls, computer in my hands, pen behind my ear, and jump right into things with open arms. I envisioned this scene with a feeling of pride. And while that setting has played out right on point, my inner monologue is different than what I imagined.
I didn’t realize how much I’d miss Grace.
It hit me on the first day back when her day care sent a photo of her being read a book, surrounded by new, adorable little friends. A sweet sentiment and yet there I was, fighting back tears. It was a strange dichotomy. On one hand I was ecstatic that she looked happy and was clearly being well cared for. But on the other hand, she was happy without me there. It sounds selfish when I type that, but it was truly an emotion rooted in selflessness.
Time has a funny way of making you realize that there’s never enough of it.
I realize this post may read as pessimistic, which I apologize for because this is a place that I try to keep positive. But, you know what? I also want to keep it real. And the real, honest truth is that going back to work has been pretty difficult. I like my job, I really do, but I love my baby.
I want to be a career woman, I want to be respected as a mother who has taken on the challenge of working while raising a family, and I want to accomplish many goals and dreams. I want, and like, to work. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have sadness in what it takes to continue on this path while having a family.
I don’t have a solution, nor do I have much more to divulge about the tales of my return. I like my job and will continue to perform to the best of my ability, but I’m sad that I have to leave my baby every day. It’s as simple and complicated as that.
11 comments
raw and real! loved reading this post. even though i’m not a momma (and i give you such major kudos, em), i really liked your line: “I’m a human being more so than I’m an employee. And, these feelings are raw human emotions that I’m not ashamed to feel.” You own it. Thanks for the inspiration, for keeping it real, and most importantly, being truly you.
Gracie babe is so lucky to have you as her momma. xox
Aw, thank you Mandy! I’m lucky to have her as my baby, and YOU as my sis! xx
Hi Emily! I read this last night and have been thinking about it ever since, as I just returned back to work a couple weeks ago. It’s been really, really hard – I’m struggling with it. Just to know that these feelings are normal and common helps me a lot, and I appreciate your honesty in sharing them here. Being at home with Caroline was the best four months of my life, and I miss her every minute we’re apart. Maybe that will go away when she’s a teenager.
There’s no easy choice to be made when it comes to working or staying at home, but it inspires me to see other women balance a job and motherhood, so thank you for sharing this!
I actually thought of you while writing this and wondered how you were doing with going back! Always good to know you’re not alone.
It does get better! I totally know how you feel. When I went back to work after my first it felt like I couldn’t breathe. It’s a daily battle to want to be home with your kids but struggle to have a career and it’s so hard to be a working mom but there is some light at the end of the tunnel! It will get easier over time and you will realize that no matter what you are her Momma and you will never be replaced in her eyes. I promise you when she’s a toddler you will have days where it will be a relief to go to work. Sounds awful but it’s true! Take Care of yourself!!!!!
So sweet, thank you for the advice, Jennifer! It’s always helpful to hear from someone who has been through it!
I am really very proud of you and love seeing the love and joy in your voice and actions when you are with Grace. She is truly a lucky little girl. Your love for little Grace will only grow with time. It truly is a miracle.
You are the best, Dad. Love you!
So real and so true. How could you not feel torn. Thank you for sharing!
It’s so hard not to! So happy you liked – thank you for commenting, Elaine!
i appreciate the honest post! sometimes i wonder how it would be if i went back to work full time. i stay at home with violet and i work part-time which can be pretty tricky but i am so glad im still working a little bit and “keeping” that part of me. hang in there mama, you just need to do what’s best for you and your family. even if it is hard. xoxo