Today’s post is all about parenting and gender roles.
Spoiler alert: I’m not your average 1950s housewife.
This is a JUICY topic, no?! I’m excited to dive into this, because it’s one that I find fascinating. It’s also one that is being challenged and changed daily by women turning stereotypes on their heads. The fact that I am even a small part of this progress makes me proud!
I’m sharing our family’s journey as a part of the ongoing “Mom Talk” series that I’ve been doing in partnership with a few women who I deeply admire as mothers and entrepreneurs. I’m excited to read their thoughts on this topic and hope you do, too!
Danielle Moss
Lemon Stripes
Happily Eva After
I’d like to kick off my thoughts by stating something that I firmly believe.
The best way to approach parenting and gender roles is to FORGET what society says, and live the way that works best for YOUR family.
If you choose to work, or if circumstances mean that you need to, you go girl! But I do think that sometimes in our efforts to applaud working mothers, we can unintentionally make those who don’t work feel less accomplished, which is so far from true. So I also want to say that if you choose to stay at home to raise your children, a decision which often means pausing your career or even trying to do both, I recognize what an amazing sacrifice that is. I think being a stay at home mother is one of the toughest jobs in the world. So, whether you’re working full time, part time, or not at all…I see you. I see how much you love your family and how hard you’re trying.
All situations have challenges, hardships, and sacrifices. We need to be supportive and celebrate all paths. I hope you know that no matter what situation you’re in, this blog is a place where you are celebrated and seen.
I think that the topic of parenting and gender roles can’t be approached without the reality of women either working or not, so I want to recognize this very important point in the upfront.
Alright, let’s dive into my family’s journey!
My Family’s Seasons Of Parenthood
For Doug and I, this topic has been largely defined by the season of life we were in. Even in the short time that we’ve been parents, our seasons have looked different, and they’ve also been approached very differently, in terms of gender roles and how we parent.
The Season Of Being The Breadwinner
Since even before I was pregnant with Grace, I was the primary breadwinner of our family. I worked full time at an advertising agency, and then a demanding corporate job, which enabled Doug to pursue his entrepreneurial ventures. I did this all while planning a wedding, getting married and pregnant, being a new mom for the first time, becoming pregnant for the second time, emerging as a mother of two, and maintaining this blog as a side hustle. Not to glorify being busy, but I was working very hard, and managing all that I did is something I’m proud of.
With all that came a harsh reality, however. I was of course very present as a parent, but I also wasn’t as flexible with hours as Doug. So, while I helped as much as possible, a lot of the household management fell onto his shoulders. He’s amazing and rose to the challenge with flying colors. He was responsible for taking the kids to and from day care, making lunches and dinners, and the typical household things that life requires, especially during the times I had to travel or work late nights. We’d both tackle things like laundry, cleaning, etc., but I’d be lying if I said it was equal.
I saw my babies every day — our mornings, nights and weekends were precious time — so even though I missed them when I wasn’t home, I never felt like I was absent. I very much felt like a good mom, and like I was there for all the important moments, despite working full time. Plus, Doug and I were both working full time, he was just able to be more flexible, so neither of us felt like the other was taking on more than the other. I of course craved more time at home, but I also felt validated and proud of what I was providing our family.
In many ways, we were living what the opposite of typical gender stereotypes were. We’d sometimes get snide comments about our situation. Which, honestly, how annoying is that?! Subtle comments, but comments nonetheless. As if I shouldn’t be working so much. As if Doug was “put upon” by having to help with the kids more than other dads. Comments that took zero context into account — just their own biases and opinions. Thank you, next.
Our approach was to laugh at what others thought we should do and the roles they thought we should play — as parents, and as a man and woman. All that mattered was that our family was flourishing and happy.
A changing of seasons
Our move to Detroit was a pivotal time when we took a hard look at where our future was headed. Everything was evaluated — what we’d do for income, how we’d manage our home and kids, where we’d live, what our goals were for saving.
My job allowed me to work from home during the transition time, but it wasn’t a long term situation. After lots of back and forth, we came to the decision that Doug would get a corporate job, and I’d dive into entrepreneurship, which was something I’d been itching to do for years.
Ultimately, this meant that the roles we once had established were completely flipped.
The Season Of Choosing Female Entrepreneurship
This new season has brought lots of growth and lessons, and I’m only recently starting to feel adjusted to it all.
Diving into my own business now means I have the flexibility that Doug once did. Which is absolutely wonderful and I’m so grateful for! But it also means that most of the household and family management tasks are mainly on me. Sometimes it all does feel overwhelming, especially since I am still working and trying to build a business. (Honestly, I think it’d feel overwhelming even if I wasn’t working.)
It’s funny how living a scenario brings such a different perspective. You really can never understand what it’s like to walk in someone’s shoes until you actually do.
I have such a new appreciation for all that Doug did and managed as an entrepreneur and father when we were in our past season, and he has a new appreciation for all that I did and managed as a corporate professional and mother. I’m not proud of this, but I used to think he had it so easy because he was working for himself and could be so flexible. Now I see just how much work both entrepreneurship and managing a household is. He also says how he used to not understand why working in the fast-paced, corporate environment would make me so stressed, and now he’s like, “Oh wow, yea, this is really intense stuff.”
My current struggles with my “role” and parenthood
Even though we’re now more aligned to the “standard” gender roles than we were prior, I still do think we’re challenging them in different ways.
First, there’s the fact that I’m a female entrepreneur. No one seems to bat an eye if a man starts a business, but I have found that people are surprised when they hear my story. I hope, as a society, that we can change that. (Did you know that only 4 of every 10 U.S. businesses are owned by women?) The fact that my business is a blog is also kind of baffling to people. They don’t understand how I make money or exactly what I do, so I’ve found that my business has been looked upon as more “fluffy” than others, which makes me upset. Educating others on this path is something that I try to do all the time, to help combat these notions.
As a female business owner, I struggle with feelings of motherhood guilt. We’re very fortunate that Doug has a job that would allow for me to not work if I wanted, but I choose to work. We take our girls to day care 4 days a week so that I can dedicate time to my business. This means I’m essentially choosing work over being with them on the days when I’m working, which I feel guilty about frequently.
I feel guilt about not being with my girls more, this time by choice. It was oddly easier when I had a corporate career, because then you could always blame it on the system, you know? I feel guilt that I’m not bringing in much income yet. I feel like maybe I’m being selfish by wanting to go down this path. I even feel guilty that, because I am working and my time during the day is dedicated to my business, that I’m not doing more at home.
My goal with it all is to build a solid business so that, sometime down the road, both Doug and I can have more freedom and flexibility to be with our family. But that doesn’t change the fact that juggling entrepreneurship has proven to have its own struggles, especially on the gender roles front.
But at the end of the day, you know what? My girls are happy. We are happy. They have two parents who love them more than anything. Who are working hard to provide great lives for them. They love their day care. They have friends, play, learn and grow. I feel good about the hands they’re in when they go to day care, and I feel good about the time we spend together. I truly think that the balance (if that’s even attainable, ha!) we’ve found helps to make me a better mom, and has made THEM incredibly well rounded little humans.
Plus – I was always a day care kid! My parents worked full time while growing up. I may be biased, but I think I turned out okay! 😉
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned with parenting, and even marriage, is that nothing is ever 50/50. No matter what “role” is assigned to you.
We both see our parenting gender roles as fluid in that neither of us are “assigned” to specific tasks. Rather than being defined by what we should be, we aim to focus on what is the best way for us to manage our lives, and parenthood, during that season.
Yes, I currently take on a higher amount of tasks related to our house and caring for our kids as I have more flexibility. But guess who I regularly find throwing in a load or two when the laundry pile gets high? Guess who wakes the family up with pancakes on Saturday mornings, watches the girls when I have business meetings during off hours, and regularly helps to clean? Who is always down to help with my work and blog content when I need an extra hand? Doug.
I’m very lucky that I have a partner who believes in the equal parenting partnership that I do. But, we’re both realists and see that nothing is ever really equal; striving for a perfect 50/50 breakdown of roles and responsibilities is a fruitless pursuit.
One of the greatest pieces of advice given to us for having a happy marriage was this: The wrong way to look at issues, favors, or happenings is to count them, meaning that if you do something, the other person owes it to you right back. Wrong. Do things out of love. Don’t expect anything in return. Don’t tit for tat your partner. Some weeks — some years, even — one person may need to step up and do a bit more. This could mean financially providing, doing more household work, helping with kids, or even providing emotional support. Life is (hopefully) long and full of twists and turns. It’ll all even out eventually.
I find this to be so true. We’re partners, in life and in parenting. Screw the gender roles. What works best for our family and each other is what we will do.
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Whew! That was a lot — thank you for reading about our journey and perspective on this topic. Don’t forget to swing by these amazing blogs to read their perspective, too!
14 comments
This is a fantastic post, especially because you have experienced a variety of set up’s in regards to work /family balance. Thanks for sharing!
Thank YOU for reading and for this comment, Colleen! I hope sharing my story can help others, even in some small way. 🙂
Great post Emily! I feel like there is more pressure on your generation to ‘do it all’ and do it well and look good on Instagram while doing it— so you are right there is no right answer. The right answer is to, as you said, find the balance for your family. In our case, we ‘tag teamed’ on all of it. But Kimon was self employed so I could drop off at his work shop on my way to a job in the afternoon and he would handle the 2nd shift. Most weekends in wedding season I was gone before sunup and dragged in at bedtime – he did it all-our children are 29 and 22. Despite what people think they know, Greece is a matriarchal society so that is what he knew – kind of a gender role differential- and that has helped make us a good team still after 34 years. Social media is a double edged sword. I don’t wish that I had it then. It’s hard to make public the snot the poop the dog the tantrum the sniping that goes on in the thick of it. It’s natural to want to present the best of one selves – but isn’t that really the best – that you can come out the other side intact- or in our case 34 years strong.
I LOVED reading this context and comment!
It’s amazing that you were (are!) such a great team — tag-teaming is what Doug and I find to work best too. (To the best of our ability!) It’s how we’ve found that we both feel involved and like equal parents/roles in our children’s upbringing.
Also, I think it’s so interesting to hear your thoughts on social media. That’s an element I didn’t think to tie in here, but it DEFINITELY plays a role, especially in self and relationship perception. You’re right that it’s so easy to see only the good and share the good. I’m guilty of that and trying to open up more. But of course it’s natural to want to put our best foot forward. And I’ve found that even if you were to share the “bad” — the more “real” — it’s still really all a form of curation. You can’t share EVERY moment, you know? And neither should you.
I struggle with the share vs. overshare topic on the daily, honestly. For myself and for my family. I’ve really pulled back over the past year on how much we share our girls online to help preserve even a bit of their privacy. (I always think, “What if they don’t WANT that shared?” and I’m conscious that just because this is my chosen career path/I’m choosing to share my stories, it doesn’t mean others are comfortable with that.) But it’s also the world we live in. It’s all something I haven’t really come to a firm conclusion on for myself and my family, to be honest. A good thought and note to think on further. 🙂
Really appreciate your comment!
Emily
I should clarify. My comment about Social Media is not about those of you remarkable women that turned a passion into a business- hats off to all of you for your creativity and moxie! If it came out that way I didn’t intend it to. I think you show a balance.
It was more a very deeply personal observation about how tough it is to be a young person or family and have friends and want to share. And how tough that concept is. Because it is in our nature to show the best, not the worst of ourselves.- even when that’s not the reality. ( and how that unrealistic view affects how we view ourselves)
Oh I didn’t take it that way at all!! Totally agree with everything you said, especially that the concept of sharing is one that is super tough — still trying to figure it all out myself! Was making some additional observations on it all because honestly the topic of social media and how it plays a role in our relationships and even self development is soo fascinating to me. (My response actually went off on a totally different topic in hindsight, ha!) Such a fascinating topic though, right?!
This was SO well said! Your girls are beyond blessed to have such a hard-working and loving mama. You are showing them what it looks like to pursue your dreams and aspirations, and I know they will be better off for it. You and Dougy have always been and will always be my marriage and parenting #goals 🙂
This was the sweetest ever. I’m so lucky to have you in my life as one of my best friends, and admire YOU — all you do and all your are. Truly – you are amazing! I love you!!!
This would hands down be 1 of my very favourite blog posts of yours and any blog posts out in this world! Loved very single word, how it was written & thank you for sharing how you guys make it work! I always look from over here in my Aussie part of the world and marbel his you do it all and so well!!
Oh my gosh THANK YOU!!! Amanda – you are always so kind and generous with your support. I appreciate it more than you know!
New reader. Came here from Danielle’s blog. LOVE this so so much. Thanks for writing this. My favorite “Mom Talk” topic so far!!
Thank YOU for reading and for the comment! Welcome over to my little corner of the internet. I’m so happy that you loved this topic – it was a really fun and interesting one to reflect upon and write! 🙂 xx
Em- this post is as relevant today as it was ten years ago as it will be ten years from now. Thank you for sharing your truth- because this is the truth of so many. What I love most is the true commitment and dedication you have to Doug, and that he has for you. No matter what each of your jobs are or what task you are managing, you are building the strongest foundation for your kids. That’s what matters. Kudos that you two communicate, check-in and plan… that’s true partnership. Your girls and Doug are blessed to have you!!
Molly, this means SO much, especially coming from someone who I so deeply respect and admire for all YOU have done and managed both personally and professionally! Thank you so much. You’re so right, building a strong foundation is key and what we strive for! Always learning and growing, but it’s nice to hear we’re on the right track, even though we’re flying by the seat of our pants most of the time. 😉 Hope you’re doing well – please give everyone a big hug from me! xx