33

On our last morning in Greece, we sat in our Athens hotel sunroom, preparing for our flight. Passport? Check. Luggage packed and all here? Check. Computers charged for the flight? Check.

I picked up my coffee to take a sip, feeling triumphant in the moment of preparedness, and the coaster beneath caught my eye. I smiled at it, then snapped a quick picture.

It was one of those reminders that came at exactly the right time. The kind that you may have seen a thousand times before, but this time, you see it. I switched my thoughts from the flight ahead to the year behind me.

32. My year of change.

If I had to choose a word to sum up the past year, that would be it. In nearly every aspect of life it happened.

We moved across states.

The obvious change there is physical location, but that move also lead to lots of sometimes-understated adjustments. We moved from an apartment to a house, and from city to suburb life. Left a place and friends we’d been attached at the hip with for 10+ years. Switched the girl’s day cares. Went through all our stuff and (literally) donated half as we prepared to start a new life somewhere else. It really felt like we were leaving a phase of our life behind, in addition to a place.

(Related reads you may find interesting: Our announcement that we were moving + What it was like to move from Chicago to Detroit)

We went through a home renovation process.

One that took 4 months longer than anticipated, which meant that we camped in my parent’s basement for almost half a year while sharing a room with two toddlers. (It was actually kind of fun and I feel nostalgic about that in hindsight, ha!) I found the actual renovation process of helping to literally shape rooms from the floor to the ceiling enjoyable – but ask anyone who’s been through that type of project – it’s a lot of work as you’re making decisions and sorting through all the details! Then, once we moved in, the decorating and furnishing began. Again, an enjoyable process, but one that just takes patience and time for sure. (And that we’re still in the thick of!)

Doug and I had complete career shifts.

Doug dove into corporate life and I dove into entrepreneurship. The changes that stemmed from those new roles vary far and wide — our daily lives and logistics, how we handle parenting roles at home, learning curves in our new professional roles — and they’re the type of adjustments that only time and experience can bring comfort in.

Entrepreneurship has been a huge learning curve.

Owning your own business is a totally different ball game than corporate life. This is the first time I’m sharing this here, but particularly in the first part of this year when I was tackling a lot of consulting clients in addition to this blog, I was a big ball of stress. In hindsight, I see that diving into building two businesses all at once was…too much. Especially in the mix of everything else that was going on. More to come here, but the takeaway is that I really needed to do some soul searching and figure out what I wanted to do in the long term. Focus and simplify. (Which is something I aimed to do from the get-go but…you know me…I tend to take on a lot. It’s something I’m working on and learning how to manage!)

(Related reads you may find interesting: The announcement that I was quitting my job + How our family approaches parenting and gender roles)

Our kids are growing every day.

Gosh, our girls. My whole heart. I can’t get over how much they constantly change. Every day, there’s something new. Every day, they’re older. Time is the biggest blessing and also breaks my heart. Grace is almost 4. Josephine is 2. HOW?! As a mother, I feel this constant pressure to soak them in and just sit in their littleness forever, yet each moment is so fleeting. I want to capture and save them all, yet how do you really do that when you’re trying to fully grasp what’s in front of you? I have this constant pull between my personal goals — something that I hope eventually will ladder up to provide well for our family — and putting those aside until my kids are older. I’m not sure if there’s such a thing as an ideal balance there.

(Relate reads you may find interesting: A message for my daughters on International Women’s Day + How many kids do you hope to have? + What have you learned from your kids? + The secrets of motherhood that I only tell my girlfriends)

My self is changing.

I’m beginning to really understand who I am and who I’m not. (Which, ironically, is a person who finds enjoyment in varied passions and ideas – thus leading to an innate daily change. I blame my Gemini birth sign!) I’m figuring out what I want, what I don’t, and now understand that saying “No” isn’t always a negative. I’m learning that the best parts of life actually have nothing to do with me but rather practicing being selfless and giving myself to others. The more I focus on how I can be a better version of myself in service to my children, spouse, family, and even my community…the more I see that the essence of life’s happiness lies in this very notion. Overall, I’m learning that though my life is lived and experienced through my individual eyes, life itself is about so much more than me.

My 30s so far have brought confidence that the often insecure 20-something me never knew. I think it’s important to note that this confidence doesn’t mean I have it all figured out. It just means that I no longer feel like I need to.

(Related reads you may find interesting: My 2019 New Years “Phrase” (That I still reflect on regularly!) + Life Lessons from 2018)

With all that change, what do I know?

Here’s what I know for sure. Change is inevitable and constant. It may be the only thing in life that is.

Change is something that can be intimidating and at times overwhelming, especially if you’re not ready for the particular change that life is bringing. And yet, I’ve found that when you face it head-on with poise, grace, and the understanding that it will shape you in ways you never knew possible, then it can be a tool that’s liberating.

The notion of looking at change not through the past or even present, but with the understanding that it’s helping to shape your future, is a powerful one. It’s one that allows for us to let go of the “could haves” and “would haves” – the pressures of, “Enjoy this moment NOW NOW NOW” – and just lets us be content. Which is something that’s a bit of a departure from the constant pressures that society tells us we need to do.

Sometimes, change requires facing negative elements and even a little chaos, but always with the understanding that “this too shall pass” and that life has seasons. Without sadness, there’s no happiness. I believe it all ladders up to a path greater than you or I know, but even if you’re not a religious person, I think it’s powerful to look at change with the perspective that it brings growth. For me, looking at the positives and practicing gratitude for where I am now, the people who are in my life, and all that life has brought me, is something that has allowed for me to embrace it all with open arms.

32 brought the life lesson that, when all is said and done, change is a good thing. It means you have the ultimate blessing of time. Which, on this earth, is there anything more precious?

I’d like to close this post with a little poem I shared ages back. One that, when I read it, I loved because it embodies a mentality of acceptance and purpose that I strive to raise my kids with.

But as I read it again, I think it’s equally as impactful to think of this poem in terms of the self as well. Imagine this being your future, 90 year old self, talking to younger you. It’s pretty powerful, right?

Hey Little Girl by Kathy Hepinstall

I’m going to find me a little girl, one with at least two bandaids on her shins and a book in her hand

And her hair uncombed in the back

One who has already adopted a spider and the lonely neighbor who still gets the paper

And I’m going to sponsor that little girl

In her eventual run for president.

I’m gonna find that girl in a place where the waves meet the beach

And I’m going to say: Reject that device that will let you see a pretend ocean

And a pretend beach

Build your own sand castle, little girl.

And when the waves take it.

Build it again.

I’m going to sneak into her class and whisper things to her things like:

Hey, sometimes the best people feel the worst

It’s the way things are

but keep on feeling.

Until the teacher says, Can you please leave? You are disturbing the caged parrot.

And I’ll leave but from the corner of my eye

I’ll see the little girl open the window

And free the parrot and the teacher.

And when the little girl runs for playground Senate

And she is pelted with water balloons by her detractors,

I’m going to tell her,

Little girl

Sometimes to make a difference, you have to get your hair wet

And then I’m going to get a sack of water balloons

And hunt down every one of those kids

And spend time in prison

Because no one pelts my little girl with water balloons.

And when it comes time for the little girl to like a boy

I’ll say

Not that one

Not that one

Maybe that one.

And if she says:

Actually, I prefer girls

I’ll say

Not that one

Not that one

Maybe that one.

And when that little girl turns 35

And still has bandaids on her shin

And a book in her hand

I’ll say now it’s time to run

And if she says

Actually I’d just like to raise children

Or own a goat farm

Or paint on walls

I’ll say,

Well, the truth is,

Being yourself is a form of running

So run

Run

Run.

These birthday reflections have been really great to do every year, by the way! If you’re interested, here are some posts from past years. It’s fun to read back on them, especially with all the change that’s happened! 30 + 31 + 32

Thank you as always for reading this little corner of the internet! I’m looking forward to 33 and all the promise it will bring. xx