How To Deal With Loneliness As A Mom

Everyone told me it’d be wonderful. That motherhood would be the best experience of my life; the most intense love I’ve ever known. My world would change; everything put into an entirely new perspective. And, they were right. Motherhood has been all of these amazing things and more.

But no one really talked about how motherhood, despite its overwhelming positives, can indeed have some sides that take…adjusting. I won’t call them downfalls or even negatives. No matter what “adjustments” may surface, I know that I’m so beyond blessed to be a mother and I will always try my best to never take that for granted. But, still, there are are times or things or emotions that can certainly feel…well, bad, sometimes.

Specifically, loneliness.

Loneliness as a mom. It’s definitely a thing.

It was never a word I’d heard described in reference to motherhood prior, but it’s a feeling I’ve experienced occasionally over the past few years since having children, primarily in the sleep-deprived newborn stages.

When Blair – a longtime friend of mine and the newest member of our growing and fabulous motherhood series tribe – suggested that we tackle the subject of loneliness in today’s post, I was actually so excited. It’s a topic that you don’t hear about much, but it’s one that I think we can all relate to.

But, First…

Before we dive in, I wanted to say a warm “Welcome!” to anyone who’s new to the motherhood series! Kelly and I started this nearly a year ago (check out our first post here!), when we decided it’d be fun to tackle topics pertaining to motherhood together. The concept was simple — we’d take turns picking topics, would each write about them, and link to one another’s posts so that readers could get different views on the topic at hand. I’m ecstatic that Blair, Arin (who JUST launched a new site and it looks amazing!) and Shaheen are also now a part of the series, not only because I admire all of these women as mothers, but also because I adore them as people and friends! Be sure to swing by their posts after reading, to read their take on the topic and also to show them some love.

Alright, back to loneliness.

Adjusting To A New Normal As A Mother

I’ve always been a social butterfly; it was a title I wore proudly. Lots of friends, eager for more, and “Yes!” was my response when anything from a night out to a road trip was brought up. Being around people fuels me (though, trust me, I need my alone time), and I’m lucky to have close friends that I consider family, so even in my single days, lonely was not normally a word that I encountered.

When I became a mother, there was certainly a new normal that I settled into. As I said in this post, “My happy hour is now found in a quiet nursery, lit by a soft night light, rocking my baby to sleep.” Drinks with co-workers, blogging events, dinners with friends, weekend champagne brunches, even date nights with Doug, suddenly changed.

It’s not that I don’t do those things at all anymore, it’s just that doing them requires significant logistical maneuvering, so they happen far less often.

As a mother who also works full time, managing social outings can be extra tricky. Again there’s the whole logistics factor, but there’s more. During the week I don’t get to see my babies during the day, so if I miss that two hour window of spending time with them after work before they go to bed, I don’t see them at all. Though they’re every day moments, there’s not a lot that can justify missing them. 

All this is to say that I’ve had to start practicing saying “No” frequently. Not an easy thing for a “Yes” girl, let me tell ya.

And so, most nights I’m home.

Most weekends, if we’re not traveling, I’m home. Or at the park, museum, occasional play area, or local food place that won’t roll their eyes when Grace spills her chocolate milk. But, you get what I mean. I’m not out. Like, out out…on the town…hanging with buddies. Just chillin with our fam, picking boogers out of little noses, and singing Moana for, like, the billionth time that day. Livin’ the life. 

And don’t get me wrong. It’s a good one.

I’m so unbelievably happy. But I won’t lie to you, I do feel lonely occasionally. And it’s totally cool, because I’ve got two little amazing humans to care for, but it’s a feeling that’s there, particularly in the quiet hours after bath and bedtime have passed, when the night is still young but I’m curled up with an old book and nerdy glasses. (Which, to be frank, most nights sounds perfectly heavenly to me.) Especially when social media enters into the mix and all the @ tags start flying as I double tap from my couch.

But loneliness isn’t just a lack of being out.

Phone chats are difficult with screaming kids in the background, so catch up sessions with friends are less and less frequent. I’ve never been the best with texting, but since having kids I’ve gotten even worse. Taking even a few minutes to read them can be overwhelming among trying to stop Joey from eating dust balls on the ground, or telling Grace not to pee in the closet. (Literal quote from today.)

A lot of my friends have kids too, so I know that they get it and we’re all swimming in this ocean together. Even those who don’t have kids are more than understanding. But, the truth is that I do sometimes feel like my overall connection with others – people who are so important to me – is slipping through my fingers. Alright, you get it. Enough set up.

What do I do about feeling lonely?

I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I have it all figured out, because I don’t. But, here are some ways that I’ve dealt with loneliness when I’m faced with it.

Accept that it’s important – and okay – to prioritize.

Grace, Jo and Doug are my first priorities, always. Trying to do everything and be everything to everyone would ultimately mean that I wouldn’t be giving my family the time and attention they deserve. Accepting this as reality and the “north star” in which I need to make decisions has helped me to be okay with when I feel like I’m letting others down.

But also realize friends are a priority.

Doug and I work really hard to still see our friends when we can. He’ll have guy’s nights when I’ll take one for the team and watch the girls, and vice versa. Though it’s not as frequent as before, we still both really value our friendships, and try our best to be present.

Be proactive. 

This has been a trick I’ve practiced since middle school. If I feel left out or lonely, I call or text someone I love/miss. I’ve found it to be a productive way to: 1. Establish (or re-establish) connection, and 2. Show someone you care. Just do it! Even if there’s no reason other than to say hi.

Make plans, but also be flexible.

Get something in the books! Whether it’s a play date or coffee meet up, making plans is a great way to connect. But, let’s face it, things pop up, especially when kids are in the mix. I make plans when I can, but I also remain flexible and don’t beat myself up if things don’t work out.

Invite people along. 

Whether it’s an errand (Maya literally went with Grace, Jo and I to the grocery store the other week), walking around downtown (My bestie Kristina and her boyfriend Ryan came with our family to see the Chicago green river for St. Patty’s Day), or even traveling (Another bestie, Lily, has been the best road trip partner multiple times), inviting people to join in on the fun is such a great way to see them and catch up while not missing a beat with your family.

Be understanding.

Here’s a dose of harsh reality: We can’t all be invited to everything, and that’s okay. Plus, when you stop saying “Yes” as frequently, people naturally stop inviting as much. It’s just the nature of how things work. It’s not malicious of them, it doesn’t secretly mean they don’t like you, and they’re not purposefully leaving you out. I’ve learned to get thicker skin, be more understanding, and grow up. And, again, when I feel left out, lonely, or like I’m disconnected…I do something about it. Reference #1 – #5 above.

Be grateful.

I recently read somewhere that motherhood is a time of selflessness like no other, and I find it to be absolutely true. When I feel lonely or disconnected, I try to remember that what I’m building – a family – is so much bigger and more important than that (hopefully) fleeting feeling. I’ve found that keeping a grateful heart is the best way for me to combat any of the hardships I may face while adjusting. After all, “This too shall pass”. I’m sure one day, 20 years from now when the girls are off at college, I’ll be wishing to reverse time and have even a moment of these crazy days back again.

Wondering how to help a friend, especially a new mom who’s adjusting or juggling a lot, who may be battling loneliness? (Hint: Even if she’s not outwardly vocal about it, she may still be going through it.) Reach out! Even if it’s a quick hello. (And, I do need to say, don’t take it personally if it takes them a minute to reply.) I have the great fortune of having family members and girlfriends who truly have gone above and beyond with calls, texts and being supportive throughout the years. And I can honestly say it’s made all the difference in the world.

Whether you’re a mom or not, how do you deal with loneliness? Leave your thoughts in the comments below!

Don’t forget to swing by Kelly, Blair, Arin and Shaheen’s posts, too. I can’t wait to read how they approached this topic – it’s always so cool to see everyone’s perspectives!

PS – Maintaining a relationship after baby: What’s worked for us + How did you choose your children’s names? + The best baby stroller + Doug’s Dad Survival Guide