34

Happy birthday to…me! Age: 34

That’s right, friends. I’m officially another year wiser! I’ll tell you what I didn’t expect when kick-starting my 30s writing the first post of this kind with little Gracie on my lap in our Chicago apartment: To turn age 34 surrounded by three kids, in a quaint Michigan house, amongst a global pandemic. Whoa. Plot twist.

World news aside, 34 is an interesting age.

It’s one of those where you’re like…”Eh, I don’t really need to celebrate this one. Let’s just get some ice cream and call it a day.” This was an actual quote from me on my birthday, by the way.

To state the obvious and despite my desire to frame it in a younger way, I’ve officially entered the descriptor of being in my mid-thirties. What a strange thought! Sure, I’m still young, but I’m also kind of…not. I’ve got a husband, kids, and house. 12 years of professional experience under my belt. I worry about things like paying the mortgage, if my kids ate enough vegetables that day, and whether my knees hurting is a sign of deterioration to come. “Mom” is one of my biggest descriptor words, and it also happens to be the word I hear 2,394,492 times a day. 20-something “hip” Emily would have laughed.

Two defining words come to mind as I reflect back on 33: “Pregnancy” and “Quarantine.”

In other words: It was a year of extreme highs and lows.

I started the year having just returned from Greece, a trip of a lifetime that Doug and I took to celebrate our five year wedding anniversary, and was still on cloud 9 from the adventure. In 1 month, I’d learn that I was pregnant. In 3 months, I’d learn it was a baby boy. Every month in between would be filled with laughter and joy as I watched Grace, Joey AND my baby belly grow. So much excitement, preparation, and anticipation. In 9 months, I’d deliver that baby boy and he’d brighten our world.

But also in 9 months, on the day I was to go into labor, a national emergency would be declared and we’d enter into quarantine. That same month, Grace and Josephine would have school taken away, Doug would lose his job in tandem with the company he worked for going bankrupt, and we’d all lose our health insurance. I’d feel constantly worried about our family’s health and would cry with mental and physical exhaustion. In 10 months, I’d have a really low moment. I’d be curled up in bed, feeling weak to the core as I healed from delivery, and start sobbing as I faced extreme postpartum bleeding, a sign that your body is simply doing too much. So I’d rest. I’d breathe. In 11 months, I’d start to feel more like myself.

In 12 months world events would teach me that despite hardships faced, I’ve been privileged beyond recognition.

Also in 12 months – year 34 upon me – I’d smile at the fact that through adversity comes strength, a notion I reflected on while writing this post. Year 33 was the year that built character and strength more than any year before. It taught me that, when it comes down to it, there’s only a few things in life that really matter. Health. People. Peace. Everyday, average moments that bring smiles. Everything else is just details. It also taught me that the more I learn, the more I realize I don’t know much at all. Which is both a humbling and encouraging notion as I continue on this journey called life.

With all that in mind, I suppose it’s fitting that, looking back, one of my happiest moments of 33 was a perfectly mundane one.

I was looking at a calendar, gearing up for the last weeks of my pregnancy, when I realized I was exactly 33 weeks pregnant, at 33 years old, with my 3rd baby. And I remember feeling so deeply content in that simple moment. I took it as a sign from the universe that I was on the right track.

Three. Such a magical number.

How fitting that my 33rd year – that which they call the “Jesus year” – on earth turned out to be my year of being more connected to my mind, body and spirit. I can’t describe it, and I know this will totally sound a bit coocoo, but particularly as the hard times swirled like a tornado, I’ve felt a deeper connection to the energies around me. (I call it “God”, but I truly believe as humans we all have different names and practices for the same thing.) Even before Coronavirus, I felt this deep appreciation for experiencing pregnancy a third time — it was like my mind and body were paying more attention to the blessing that life is.

During 33, I slowed down.

I started praying more. I stopped feeling frustrated about what personal ambitions I wanted to do now now now, or how much more time I needed in a day. And started to recognize that perhaps the season of life I’m in requires a conscious focus on others beyond myself. I started listening to my inner voice, which told me things like, “Be happy and still in this moment,” or “This too shall pass,” and “Everything happens for a reason.”

Particularly in the time period we’re in — the time of a global pandemic, social distancing, and a much-needed social justice movement – I won’t pretend to understand the endless “Why’s” that I’ve been questioning. But I will tell you that I believe it’s making myself a better person. I think it’s doing that for all of us. I think we all needed to stop and refocus.

Looking back on my reflections of turning 30, one section in particular sticks out to me.

You can’t predict or even plan for what’s to come. Life has a way of throwing you through loop holes, taking you off road, and diverting from what you thought would happen because ultimately, it’s what’s supposed to happen. It’s ever-evolving and I’ve found that those who evolve with it are the ones who thrive.

All that got me thinking.

Perhaps this time was written in the stars all along. Perhaps it’s the universe positioning us to to move forward in a better way. For me personally, perhaps the tough state of the world right now was always meant to align with my 33rd year. 33 has made me stop and reflect more than any other year. It’s reminded me what truly matters in life. It’s also reminded me that I have so much more to learn.

I don’t know where 34 will take me, but I’m excited for the journey. And I can tell you that, undoubtedly, I’m changing as a person and growing with each passing year. Which is the notion that makes me most excited of all.

PS – Every year I do a birthday post, reflecting on my past year. They always turn out to be really great reflection pieces for me. Here’s all the posts I’ve done so far: 30 + 31 + 32 + 33